You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
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but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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