You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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