today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize