I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
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I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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