spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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