i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
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I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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