i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
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Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
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All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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