HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
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is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
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Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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