Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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