ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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