It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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