Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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