mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
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I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
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I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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