Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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