I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you π
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it π
I DEMAND FORESKIN
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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