before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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