i already hear my dad disowning me
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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