obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just pee around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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