I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
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Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
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Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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