I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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