You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
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Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
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Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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