True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
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I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
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I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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