btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am available for nakedness
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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