Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
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I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
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I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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