P.S. I can't hear my feet
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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