my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
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She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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