I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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