I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I lost the right to judge tonight
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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