She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
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Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
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You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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