I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
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I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
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Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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