I wish my penis had an off switch
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
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i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
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I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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