I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
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It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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