At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize