I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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