I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
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When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
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This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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