I want to have your abortion
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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