I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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