Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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