if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
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Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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