I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
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Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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