If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
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my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize