So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
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Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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