Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
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Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize