You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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