We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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