no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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