Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
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Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have aggressive nipples.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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