So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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