I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
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I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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