I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize